The Diary of Lord Voldemort
by nopunintended
Summary: This is the diary of the Dark Lord, written just after he regained a humanish form at the end of the fourth book. It explores his thoughts and emotions and what goes on in his day to day life in a chatty, comic style. Please read this and review.
1. Chapter 1

Ok, so this may seem a weird concept: the dairy of Lord Voldemort in which he sounds more like a teenage girl than the terrifying Dark Lord. But give it a chance and you might like it.

Ingredients - Random plot, Voldemort, Wolfbane, Harry Potter, Salamander slime and a pinch of comedy. Warning, may contain slight HP4 spoilers.

**Disclaimer** - I do not own Voldemort or Harry Potter but I do own some other weird characters who were released into the wild (placed into the story) including Quentin and Damien Brittlebinns.

The Diary of Lord Voldemort

Hi, my name is Voldemort. I would say that my friends call me voldie-baldie, but I don't actually have any friends. Well, there is this group called the 'Death Eaters' that follow me about and kill people 'in my name' and stuff like that but they're not really friends. I did want a friend, y'know, someone to discuss Lost with and someone who knows me so well that they can finish my sentences but I just couldn't find any one who even came close to my power level. No-one understands me.

Anyhow, this is my diary (you may have guessed) and I would like to welcome you to it. Included is a fake tattoo in the shape of the dark mark for those wannabe 'Death eaters' out there. In this diary are some of my most private and intimate thoughts so don't tell anyone what you read! You are very privileged to have this insight into my mind!

And so it begins:

_June 3rd 21.12 pm_

Ahhhhhhh! Darn that stupid Harry Potter boy! Why is he so lucky! That was possibly my most humiliating defeat ever, not that I am defeated very often.

It all happened last night…the plan was going smoothly. The Port key was in place. Everyone was clueless, I had them fooled. Ok, there was a little hitch with that other boy touching the trophy but a part from that it was going smoothly. Then that stupid, stupid, STUPID Harry Potter got lucky and it turns out that our wands, kind of…clash. So he got away. But I'm not giving up there. I'm gonna get him and get back my reputation as the unbeatable Dark Lord!

So I've spent today planning and plotting but I wont write my ideas down yet as they're still at the baby stage. Soon, after the rocky adolescent plan stage, they should mature into nice juicy adult plans. Harry Potter wont know what's hit him.

_22.45 pm_

Just been woken up by Nagini whining and hissing. Don't know what's up with her, she's not normally like this. Maybe she needs milking.

It wouldn't normally bother me anyway 'cause before I got my body I didn't need sleep. But now I have to endure the annoying muggle-ish activity of sleep just so my brain (which by the way is still growing to its normal size, hence, throbbing pain) can refresh itself.

_22.51 pm_

Nagini wont shut up…gonna go and see what's up.

_23.28 pm_

Something strange is going on. I went down to see what was causing Nagini to go so crazy. I went down the hallway, down the creaking stairs and crossed the hallway to the kitchen. (I must say that Quentin did an abismal job of preparing this temporary residance - I kept finding little white creatures on the walls that had three black holes for eyes). Anyhow, I entered the kitchen to find poor Nagini squirming on the floor with a great big knife gash down her side and steamy, fresh blood trickling onto the floor. I ran out of the back door but whoever had done it was gone.

My first thought was that a muggle had done it. Why- I didn't know, maybe they disliked giant snakes, but I assumed that because of the knife gash. Surely a wizard would have used a wand. But then it occurred to me that the wound was fresh, not more than a few minutes old and Nagini had been whining for at least half an hour. Whoever it was must have been trying to get something from Nagini…or trying to talk to her.

June 4th 8 am

I've got it! If someone was trying to talk to Nagini then they must have been a parcel tongue. Y'know, a snake mouth, an envolope lip. So it must have been a wizard. Surely not..no, no, it wouldn't have been that little fool Harry Potter. I would have sensed him. Who else is a parcel tongue?… (ow..fungus! I just bit my lip!) …Yeah, anyhow, parcel- Damien Brittlebinns! He's a parcel tongue! Right. I'm going to have to pay him a little visit.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

June 4th, 9pm

This has been an awful day! I mean really terrible. I found that idiot Brittlebinns but he knew nothing. Nagini recovered quickly with a bit of magic and she should be fit to talk pretty soon, until then I'll have to be extra careful.

I moved to a new temporary residence so Nagini's attacker won't find me again. Honestly, Quentin is hopeless at finding places for me - I'm currently staying in a dismal apartment above something called 'Tesco Express', which I thought was a train but turns out it is a shop where muggles buy cow's milk and cigarettes.

Yeah, but what a terrible day it's been. I nearly cried when I looked in the mirror this morning (if anyone one read this I would _die_). It was horrific! I found this _thing_ on my nose, like a small, red mountain with snow on top. And the worst part…two bristly hairs poking out! Why does this have to happen to me? Everyone else has perfect skin; look at Malfoy's complexion, it's to die for! Not that I can die, being the unbeatable and totally great Dark Lord and stuff.

I can't even use magic to get rid of it because my face is so new and delicate. But I have a plan. I summoned Quentin and his brother Cecil to my "abode" putting on my stern 'Voldemort the fearsome' face on. "I need you to do something for me," I said, covering my nose discreetly with my long fingers. They mumbled something like, "Anything Dark Lord," and I told them to find the nearest witch and bring her to me. I noticed them exchanging glances but I kept my cool. They went hastily and now I am just waiting for them to come back.

10.30pm

It wasn't long before they returned with a lump of black robes, which they dropped onto a chair without any care. "H-hear sir." They stood there panting but did not leave for the door immediately, no doubt due to the nosy nature that runs in their family.

"Get out," I hissed, not wanting them to witness my conversation with the girl.

"Arrivio!" I said, giving my wand a flick. The little pug-nosed creature stirred and then began to screech an unbearable note when she saw me. Looking back it was probably the fact that she was in a dark room with the terrifying Lord Voldemort that made her scream, however in my vulnerable state I assumed she was screaming at my 'facial deformity'.

"Silence," was all I had to say for her to stop. Her fear of me was total, I could smell it. I looked at her face that was clear yet slightly orange. "Do you use make-up?" I asked her awkwardly. She nodded. "And do you ever get spots? And do you use make-up to cover them?" She nodded but looked completely confused. I would have laughed if I hadn't have felt like a complete idiot. "Well?"

"I-I, er use the um concealer and th-that covers it up quite well."

"Any particular type?"

"Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's maybelline…m-m…" I remember thinking, Oh God, she's gone hysterical. So I placed a spell on her that acted a bit like a drug and she relaxed…maybe too much. I hadn't stopped to think that this spell might be too strong for something as small as her. "What's your name?" I asked her.

"Pansy, sir, like the flower. Hey, are you a professor? I like your eye. Ha! I said eye!"

The Avada Kadavra spell was looking tempting. "How can I cover up this?"

"You need to use lots of make-up. Loooots of concealer. And then it will go on your face and make it all one colour. You should go to B-Booty-bom-boots and get some, like Maybelline."

I could speak to snakes but not teenage girls.

Cecil and Quentin pursuaded me not to kill her. It turns out she was the daughter of Parkinson, a death eater, so I just wiped her memory and told the Brothers Grim (as I call them) to take her back - stopping off at 'Booty' on the way to get some concealor.


	3. Chapter 3

June 5th 9 am

Oh my Godrick Griffindor! I _have _to write this down; I couldn't get my quill out fast enough. I was just munching through a packet of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans and I came across a half brown, half white one. At first I thought, hey, I've not had one of those before and when I tasted it…it was shepherd's pie flavour! It must be the only one in the world! So, I just really had to write that down.

6 pm

Nagini can finally talk again but what she told me hasn't completely revealed everything. Apparently, an hour after I had gone up to sleep, she heard noises outside. She went into the kitchen and someone opened the door. Now here's the issue…she didn't actually see who it was because as they walked in, this bright unbearable light, or something, lit up the room. (Yeah weird, I know). Nagini couldn't see a thing yet she could hear a voice. And the intruder spoke to her, asked about horticulture. Yes, horticulture. As in plants and stuff. So, that's it really. Must go now and make an evil plan.

7.28 pm

I have discovered that I can't lift up my forth finger on its own. The foolish puny finger keeps coming up as well. Does this mean that my body is defected? That I went through all that pain and I didn't get a perfect body? (Considers plastic surgery).

June 7th 9.10

Last night, I was sat up in bed reading 'The day I slayed the Fish-man and various other heroic deeds' by Gildroy Lockhart when I felt a surge of heat rush up my spine. I ignored it, though. Just assumed that these sort of pains were normal in a new body. But after a few minutes, I was hit by another pain, which I couldn't ignore. It felt like someone was rubbing hot spoons on my temples and using a third spoon to try to crack my head open like an egg. I got up and went on to the landing of my apartment, but like the pain just increased. So I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, which really didn't help that much.

Then, as I opened my eyes, I noticed a light seeping from under the living room door. There were noises. Someone was speaking in parcel tongue. Making sure that my glittery, silver boots didn't make a loud noise, I crept into the living room.

It was a truly bizarre scene. Nagini was lying on the floor hissing and writhing, the room was filled with a waning white light and stood tall by the door was a male figure. He stepped forward and raised his wand to my face, madness glaring in his eyes.

What would Gildroy do (?), I thought. No! I'm the great, almighty and terrifying Dark Lord. No one can defeat me - except maybe that Harry Pootter. Ah! Don't think like that. Out thought. I exile you!

"Crucio!"

The intruder fell to the floor and screamed in pain. Ah, it was music to my ears. As he wriggled, a white stone fell with a clop from his hand and all the light in the room seemed to get sucked back into the stone. I wrapped it in a tea-towel and slipped it into my pocket.

Now, back to the man, I thought. And then, like a speedy quaffle, an ingenious idea came to me…

A cut from the wizard weekly.

Harry Potter's unwelcome visitor

Harry Potter, the only person ever to survive the killing curse and three-time defeater of Lord Voldemort ahh, woke up last night to find an extremely unwelcome visitor in his muggle home in Sussex. The, until now, missing lunatic, Frankie Slobovich had forced an entry through a window into the house where he immediately took to smashing as many wooden objects as he could find.

Harry, still shaking from shock told us, "I was woken by a smashing noise from downstairs. My aunt and uncle were out and so it was just me and Dudley (his cousin). I ran into Dudleys room and found him already awake, curled in a corner whimpering. So I got out my wand and went downstairs."

Harry then used the _petrificus totalus_ spell to stun the intruder and the ministry were quick to arrive.

Slobovich is being taken…

OK. Maybe that wasn't the _best _plan ever. But at least I disrupted the little brat's sleep. Ha Ha HAAAAAAAA.


End file.
